I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
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Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.