SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
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A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Money is the root of all wealth
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?