My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
You Might Also Like
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem