Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
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Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Still my favourite meme.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
catch me on valentine’s day like
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”