I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
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Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too