“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
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Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Its a hippotatomus
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future