saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
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so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
The Assassin.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue