Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
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If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora