Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
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My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.