ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
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[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.