friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
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Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Did I do this right
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen