If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
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Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once