smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
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My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
When ur friends with white people
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
i love meeting boys on tinder
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Merica.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”