Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
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Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I am crying
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk