Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
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We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.