Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
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We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.