Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
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What Bob, you’re interrupting.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad