Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
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If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
one last job
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.