Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
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-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*