What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
You Might Also Like
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.