Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
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When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.