Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
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FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
every single time
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Remember folks 😂
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978