Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
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If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
This is my emotional support knife.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter