How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
You Might Also Like
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Ovenable?
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?