Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
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when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
*seductively eats two tums*
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..