If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
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[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
huge if true: the moon
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only