Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
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Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Breaking news:
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.