What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
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Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Put the is in disheveled
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw