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Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin