Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
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What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Deer are just ballerina dogs