“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
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I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.