#growingpains
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The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
guys i’ve cracked the code
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms