I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
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GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
just gave your address to some spiders
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”