Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
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Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
what’s really going on
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.