I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
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I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.