Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
You Might Also Like
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob