On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
You Might Also Like
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Denise please return my vape pen
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.