dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
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“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.