Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
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*feels the wind in my toe hair
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar