Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
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saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person