[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
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In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.