Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
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Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus