It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
You Might Also Like
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
I will never stop laughing at this
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise