This one’s “Alex”.
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MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I think this cat is broken
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.