Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
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It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.