Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
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A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
My typo game is string.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Jupiter