Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
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I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.