“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
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We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Bruh PLEASE
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.