My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
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Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
50 shades of grey = my Liver
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I have never related to a cat more
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn