I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
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My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
This is my pinned tweet
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh